‘Conquer’ May Be the Most Ridiculous Anti-Porn Series Ever

Anti-pornography videos and literature are nothing new. To help you avoid the supposed scourge of porn addiction, most focus on simple techniques, such as ending habits that might lead you to see adult material, or using concentration to get your mind away from seedy subjects. (One such article even suggests that if you feel the urge to watch porn, you should flee your house in a dead run. This seems to forget about the existence of cellphones, but never mind.) Conquer chooses a different tack, one that is so ostentatiously absurd it’s almost difficult to take seriously. The six-part KingdomWorks series opts to regard the battle against porn viewing as a full-scale war, complete with blazing enemy fire, nimble planes dodging bullets, and a hardened sergeant with tough words to help you on your way. No, seriously!

Styled with the editing and music of an action blockbuster, the series combines metaphorical battle footage with interviews from supposed scholars and experts. It’s the “Battle Plan for Sexual Purity,” to use the video’s own words, and one expects General Patton to come strolling in at any moment. The effect is so ridiculous that it makes it seem like turning off a porn movie is the equivalent of defeating the Nazis in World War II. Check out the full trailer:

With suitable melodrama, one of the trailer’s interviewees says that porn is a “tsunami wave of destruction.” We’re pretty sure the only such wave is one of repression, and if this video is any indication, the results aren’t pretty. Did you notice how many projectiles and phallic objects appear in the trailer alone? We’re afraid to guess whether that was intentional or not. Even the ringing endorsements of Conquer on its official website seem to carry unintended double meanings. “It’s hands down the best I’ve come across,” enthuses one happy customer, who may want to rethink the use of the terms “hands down” and “come across” in this context.

Many of the trailer’s YouTube commenters succinctly sum up the absurdity of the video and series:

“I saw this as a side bar ad and thought it was a joke. HOLY CRAP it’s real!”

“Wow. What insanity. There is nothing wrong with porn. There is no such thing as ‘porn addiction’. Look for it in the DSM-5 (Diagnostics and Statistical Manual used for diagnosing mental issues) and you won’t find it.”

“This is so dumb. A bunch of guys that like porn, but can’t come to grips with it. Not watching porn has nothing to do with being a fighter pilot and being a hero.[ . . .] Porn is sex, sex is natural and fun. Get a life.”

Conquer retails at a whopping $129.95, which would buy you almost a half of a year’s worth of Adult Empire Unlimited. Sounds like a far better investment to us. We would happily welcome Conquer host Ted Roberts as a customer!

Featured image: Jeff Cooper