An Anti-Valentine’s Day Manifesto

Look, I need a minute to vent. I’m sure most are wrapped up in the upcoming non-holiday that forces some to give up cash and others to give up ass, but I find Valentine’s Day incredibly insulting, and it isn’t because I hate romance. No, romance isn’t the problem at all. Instead, it’s the way we’re fed what romance is supposed to be and what is should look like. First of all, as a woman, I can assure you that all of us are not into pink, flowers, candlelit meals, and fucking you just because you bought a gift on a money grab disguised as a holiday. Hell, how you spend your money is your business and falling for “love day” is a plunge you are free to take, but first ask yourself, do you even fucking like it? And this isn’t only for single people! In my opinion they have it the best because society doesn’t expect them to do anything anyway. No, this is for couples too. Couples who find themselves going out to crowded fancy restaurants, staying in expensive ass hotel rooms with rose petals all over the damn bed (clean those up and tell me how much fun they really are dammit!), and paying an arm and a leg for one hopeful night of pleasure that probably ends the same way regular nights you have sex do. Is it really worth it if you’re only going through the motions because the man says you ought to? We’re stronger than that people, and I’ll prove it to you right now.

You’re probably here reading this right now because you have a darker side to your sexual desires, much like Cassidy Klein did for Sweet Sinner back in 2017, and ultimately that’s what you should be celebrating! Let your freak flag fly and kink the fuck out on February 14th. If it’s all about love then do what you love. Do you like horror? If so try putting the pretty little tulip massager away and lube up a Vulcan creature cock to have the experience of a lifetime, especially on a day when everything is so bland and normal. If you’re thinking of taking your partner out on the town maybe travel to Wasteland instead and get it on to two friends re-uniting after years away and having a sexual adventure we all fantasize about. If you’re going to dip into your pockets for a made up day make it worth it and give whoever your V-Day partner is something they’d never expect. Break out the whips and chains, slap that ass they way you do in your dreams, and ask for you hair pulled and your throat grabbed. Put a candle somewhere other than in a holder and I promise you’ll have a way better time than kissing and fucking missionary for 10 minutes.

For all my single folks out there, consider yourself lucky! I know it’s hard, but trust me, you’re in a better position than most. You have the power to turn Valentine’s Day into anything you can dream up. Want to meet a rando on Tinder? Go find yourself No Average Man, someone who you seemingly hold all the power over but who flips that shit and sends you on a thrilling ride that has you doing things you didn’t even know your body was capable of. Single fellas, put your roleplay hat on and channel your inner Kai Taylor. Mix that secret agent vibe with a Rico Suave swagger and pull the baddest bitch you’ve ever seen in your life. No flowers, champagne, or heart shaped balloons necessary. Have yourself A Dirty Romance for just one night, exploring your lust and passion with a fever ignited by silly customs with no real emotions behind them. We’re better than that!

So today and for every Valentine’s Day going forward, I call for a stand against the fake love bullshit! A stand against reckless spending of tax money we work so hard for all year! A stand against everything pink and heart shaped for fucks sake! Stand for you first, wear your desire on your sleeve, tell a bitch shit ain’t about to be sweet tonight and live your wildest dreams. Real love is what we crave and deserve, and it can’t be bought, only discovered, explored, and shared. Today, we begin to change the world one Valentine’s Day at a time. Are you with me!?

 

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