Jasmine Wilde stars in "Big Titty Teens.'

The Rundown: ‘Big Titty Teens’ (Featured Video)

Basics

It’s a sign of incipient womanhood, an indication of blossoming sexuality and building desires. Yup, we’re talking boobies, baby! Beautiful college-age babes are bursting out of their shirts with breasts that decided to go from A to Z but stopped at triple D. The title, Big Titty Teens, is as disarmingly direct as the Penthouse brand itself, which has been nurturing fantasies ever since Bob Guccione put the original magazine to print in 1965. What once arrived with a fold-out center spread now comes to life in a glorious realm of digital high definition. Appropriately, the movie has apparently undergone a post-production Photoshop-style touch-up that calls to mind the smooth, airbrushed look of classic Penthouse mags. Several movies have used the Big Titty Teens title over the years, but the 2023 edition promises to be the definitive version.

Scene highlights

Scene three stands out thanks to a consistently humorous, oddball scenario from start to finish. Tommy Pistol plays a chiropractor of dubious authenticity who makes a house call to aching Jasmine Wilde. Try as she might, she can’t escape back and torso pain caused by her imposing chest. Vigilant in his surprisingly affable bedside manner, Dr. Tommy asks Jasmine to remove her top so he can perform a hands-on exam. In a moment of amusing physical comedy worthy of an X-rated Abbot and Costello, he rubs her breasts up and down to relieve her pain. Impressed by his attentive technique, Jasmine asks that he “listen” to her breasts for potential maladies before revealing she’s also having issues with an even more intimate part of her anatomy. It’s not Tommy’s area of expertise, but he’s willing to try. It transpires that the cure for a “heavy vagina” is a cascade of orgasms, which Tommy is only too pleased to provide. The actors continue the comedic riffing throughout the entire sex scene.

Scene one opens with Jessica Starling in the shower, soaping up her beautiful, full breasts. Roommate Ryan Mclane gets busted for peeping at this alluring sight, but Jessica quickly lets her theatrical indignation subside. Any movie with a title like Big Titty Teens requires at least one rollicking tit-fuck sequence, and scene one delivers admirably. Mclane’s ultra-athletic build, with abs straight out of a Peloton commercial, makes him just as much a visual wonder as Starling herself.

In scene two, yoga teacher Robby Echo is deployed to give Callie Black her first-ever session. Callie’s crop top stretches to the breaking point at even the mildest of yoga moves, leaving Robby in a state of pleasant distraction. When the next pose puts Callie’s eyes level with Robby’s crotch, she notices how “happy” the lesson is making him. Yoga poses give way to a blowjob, which launches a sequence of passionate pounding that ends with a heavy load in Callie’s face.

The final scene is the sole fauxcest story of the bunch. Jesse Pony can’t find the right bra, so she asks her stepbrother (Nathan Bronson) to help her pick. She models a few varieties for Nathan, who marvels at the beauty of her perky chest. Those can’t be real, can they? Oh, yes, they are, Jesse rejoins, asking him to feel her up as proof. He invites her to feel his erection in response, and matters escalate from there. Nathan finishes by slamming Jesse from behind before blowing his load across her (all-natural) chest.

Quotable

“Could you remove your bra and shirt so I can have a better fix on it?” Dr. Tommy Pistol is a very hands-on physician.

Why we love Big Titty Teens

We love it because we believe in simple logic. It’s like a syllogism: we love boobs; Big Titty Teens has boobs;  we love love Big Titty Teens. We were hooked from the moment these heavenly hotties unclipped their bras and showed off the goods. The fact that this display is followed by hardcore hotness is merely a bonus, albeit a very welcome one. The relative simplicity of the title is echoed by the movie itself, which (mostly) dispenses with the family roleplay scenarios that would often be at the core of a teen-themed movie. When it comes to boobs this big, there’s no need for the extra spice of taboo to create a rewarding repast. A small touch I also like: the end credits play over a series of excerpts from the main action, like a classic primetimes show from TV’s glory days. 

 
 
 

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